Fear

Fear

the darkness
of the world
is staring me in the face
today
we are shaking hands
and
pretending
we haven't met before
when
really
we
are
well acquainted

we are so close
we have this
nauseating intimacy
we are trying to stave off

our glances are fleeting
but time moves
so slowly
when our
eyes
cross

Times

Times
in life a struggle

Light of life shines through

Door is always opened

Peace will beckon you



Feel the soothing beauty

Of love that's waiting there

For just one fleeting moment

Your spirit fills the air



Things that overwhelm you

They seem to pass away

Close your eyes and welcome

Love that comes your way



Times in life to gather

Times in life to share

Reaching for each other

Love is waiting there



Peace be with you daily

Love in softest glow

This your tender moment

Let your heart just flow.

Silent No More

by Laura W. Sparrowhawke, copyright 1998

No longer can I keep silent. The pain that I went through Has too important a message That I must share with you. My life was stolen, Right before my own eyes. But it was done so gradually That I could only see their lies.

The people I thought I'd loved, With whom I'd promised to live my life out, Was the greatest threat to me, I now see that without a doubt.

At first came their lies and false promises, And slowly the negativity began to overwhelm, Turning my inner grace into a harassing monster, And shifting our time to another realm.

Fear replaced crazed one night long ago, The night was first hurt physically. Shock and pain hit me suddenly While my knees turned instantly to jelly.

My bed that night was a bathtub; Not to relax in, but to wash away pain, I tried with all the strength in my being To visualize it going down the drain.

But attempted rape by your spouse, And earlier that day an attack of shoving, Will replace life's basic joy, And wipe out years of loving.

But I believed their promises, her shock and her word, "It'll never happen again." Is what I heard...

It was good for a long time, Nearly a year as I look back. But "good" in this sense overlooks much — Including any non-physical attack.

My spirit and soul however, Weren't faring very well, Every fiber of my being was crying out; My spirit sounding a death knell.

Emotional abuse is still hard to define, But it was filling my life more each day, Until by the end of the line I knew how to live no other way.

So since I still can't say what was Particularly abusive in what he did; What ruined my soul's intensity, With non-physical violence as I hid...

Let me at least say this, So you will understand: He did it so well that I followed His every unreasonable demand...

Trying to keep the peace, So as to be safe from harm. Trying just to survive, Not hearing my internal alarm.

I gave up myself to the point where Even in the midst of imminent danger I didn't feel fear, panic, or pain... As if it were happening to a stranger.

Almost like I didn't have enough of myself Left anymore to realize a right to live. He had taken over every bit of my soul, The real danger came when I had no more to give.

When he'd grasp me by the front of the throat But tell me that he wouldn't choke, I relaxed — my self-preservation gone... I guess I'd lost some with every poke.

Poking, pinching, squeezing tight... I did tell him those touches hurt; But he wouldn't see the line 'tween pleasure and pain, And neither could I; I'd lost my power to assert.

When he'd try to rape me No longer did I fight back. I'd tell him "no" and struggle, But didn't successfully avoid his attack.

I didn't have enough self-esteem To even preserve the little I had left By physically defending myself against him, Instead I'd let myself become totally bereft.

Suffering in agonizing, soul-denying pain, Feeling no right to even grieve, After my life had become so difficult. It was hard to face, impossible to believe.

But I did and do have a right To feel my feelings, yet avoid pain and fear, No matter how much he says he loved me, No matter that I didn't dare shed a tear.

I was lost from the world. But what was even worse, Was to live lost from myself... That was truly the curse.

That's the place that emotional abuse creates. There's nothing left worth protecting, you believe. Because it's gotten so bad that you no longer exist, Nothing to take with you as you finally leave...

When someone holds up a mirror And you barely see yourself there, Again you see the truth and prepare to run As if suddenly frightened by a bear.

Something deep within yourself Forces you to quickly react. You take a chance to look again, And find yourself in fact.

Starting over with no dreams, with nothing, Is terrifying when you again feel. But it's not worth losing yourself And your newfnew foundse of life's zeal.

Fear and panic are initially intense, But you did whatever you could. And you won't have a chance to hate yourself When you're just glad to rejoin the world.

Gradually peace and harmony Again stabilize as part of your life. And you can begin to feel pride in yourself, And your choices when living without strife.

I smile now as I begin, Each morning a brand new day. I feel so like a child Who's just been let out to play.

Now every day is mine To do with what I will. Even if it's just to sit in peace, And listen to the call of a whipporwill. <>
But most days are more active As I revel in my new found freedom. Stepping out of isolation to seek A sense of pride — knowing my time will come...

It's worth the struggle to leave. Please, in that you must believe! You'll need time and space to grieve, But it's time: a new life to weave...

Killing The Inside

Of the third round,
When I received phone call,
I knew the sound of the tone of the man's voice
My insists told me,
To let go of the past I should apologize
what has happened
When I had hung up the phone,
I never heard from him again,
I cried I cried I cried
My mind just started becoming blank froze,
I thought of the past
What will I ever do I prayed to God, I prayed,
he will not forgive for my appectance
I forgiven my past long ago
I never remembered the last time
I had a serious laugh
I smiled thought my pain
I smiled of a face of a liar
I smiled because it showed joy of happiness
I smiled because I didn't want other's to know how I felt
All of these years I have hidden my pain,
hunger for love
Now I have nothing to give
I have no high expectation
for what is worth, of being existence to other people
I know I'm invisible,
I'm exhaust from dealing with my problems, and making things right for me,
I have come to terms that all is left is feeling guilt, and Nausea
Yesterday, I couldn't get out of the house. It had snowed 3 inches,
I had no way out of the house, which I can not drive.
You see, I'm stuck
Inside of a dark girl's body
I can't control
As I lay down and cry
I can't lift myself up again
I'm exhaust of life, in process
No One see what I can see
this just may
Never fade
Unless just give me more drugs which will just kill the person who is actual inside of me,
You kill my insist
You kill my true self
You kill who I truly am
Why would anyone want to kill the person who they really are
No magic pill is going to stop me
No you can't stop of who the real person which is inside of me
Now you must learn who you truly are,
Listen!!! To your soul
Listen! To your Heart,

Control

Brain Washed
No Expression on her face
Her body seems dead but a silent scream echoes throws her head
she living in a world of someone else's
makes believe and when reality calls back she doesn't want to leave
she thinks if she ignores them her problem will fade
and when she goes to the stars it seems they've gone away
but when she comes back down her problems reoccur and inside she screams for help
but there's nobody to hear
she's there on her own her world is false and cold beneath the silent presence
she's ready to explode she breaks down inside
but the tears run from her eyes
she stands there staring blankly inside
she starts to die tragic screams of torture are recorded in her brain playing day by day
her mind goes insane her thoughts and beliefs she lost and can not find her way back to reality she's living by a copy of her disillusioned mind a million worlds apart
she know as nothing will change its feels it will stay this forever
love will still be hate truth will still be lies alive
she'll stay while every day another soul will die
all she really needed was someone who could kiss away the suffering and
show her how to be herself and be human
she said she would protect her the promise is false the lies will never fade instead she took control over her life

Wonder

Sun comes out all is bright moon fade goodbye sweet night in this world of hate in war. Why must the war still keep score?

And I wounder why?
And I started to cry
And I wanted to fly
I am all alone
In the air I hear the flight peace is far and out of sight take the key unlock the doors millions dead, how much more?

And I wounder why?
And I started to cry
And I wanted to fly but I am lost

Look around the battleground all is quite not a sound run away in disgust
why is death always a must?
stop and turn for one last look
how I tremble and I shook hand comes down to comfort me who can this person be?

And I wounder why?
And I started to cry
And I wanted to fly and now I am found

Spin to see another face looks to be from a far off place
I don't know if me he'll kill what can be this man's will? he takes me to a peaceful land for across the burning sand now with joy my heart is full

And I wounder why?
And I no longer cry
And I can now fly with my new wings

The Rose

A rose is full of bloom is such a wonderful sight.
It comes in many colors and they're all so very bight.
Its petals will sparkle as they're wet with the rain or morning dew.
And it looks so full of life as the sun slowly peeks through.
It fragrance is like no other scent that anyone has smelled before.
It's sweeter than any expensive perfume and to many is so much more.
It symbolizes love on a special occasions like Valentine's Day.
And sometimes it is given to help ease some one's pain away.
From flower shop to people's yards.
It can be found in many places.
Time and time again it brings smile to many faces.
Not the daisy, not the iris, not even the sunflower that grows.
Could compare to the radiant beauty and the sweet scent of rose.

Foggy Silence

Please don't stare
For I am invisible do not whisper sweet nothing in my ear
for I am deaf do not have sympathy for things gone wrong because nothing has
do not set fire to my soul for it is for too hard to torch
do not shake me I feel no chance in motion
do not try to freeze the passing time it has no hold on me
for I am invisible & deaf
And the sands of time shift though my fingers like water and are thrown though the air to land where they may they fall from the heaven and into my hair
I gather them in a small pile and remember that even though you stare
I am invisible & deaf
I am only the sand bearing soul

All Alone

I started to cry could anyone tell me why?
Many friends but no one to love to be free like a beautiful white dove to find my queen someday it that all I want?

But I come up empty after every hunt so now
I give up on this little game my heart is lonely it is always the same to stop this pain
I wish I knew how if you can help me?
Please do now

Lust

Sneaking into smoky room crazed with helpful drunkness pride asleep in the corner unaware of it's enternce.

High off a musky melody her life a lonely tragedy a coy glance, an innocent smile nothing between them but denile.

Candle light & dreary moons satid sheats & seductive tunes endless dreams of sleepless nights shadows dancing with delight.

Minds pushing thought away bodies acting as they may hunger overpowering with logic has finally quit.

Death

In your fact reaching out grasping at your thoughts pulling thuggling prying at your skull going for your deepest darkes most intimate secerts, porking your brain, walking with a fire porker, porking all over your thoughts until darkness enguff the silence screams or so that's what its seems like.

Trapped

In a body,
I want to disown its belongs to a girl
who's very alone she can't look into the mirror
without falling apart
can't walk out of the house without falling apart
her head bowing down
her eyes don't look up a circe,
the pain with no where to end.

Child being Abandon

Conceived out of lust. Born only to turn dust. Helplessly crying before a stanger's door, who her parents shut her from the world. But leaves her to wounder forevermore. Perhaps it'll be better that way, for the truth bring only dismay to the child she wrongly abandoned only to be loved again each day.

By the strangers who took her in. From candle to candle with care they watched her grow; her first step, they watched signed her first word. They watched her builded her first castle. They raised to be loved, raised her in maddness, surrounded with joy, and happiness in a stranger's home. Mother 'n' father whom cause her illness. They are the only parents that she will ever knew. Then one day when flowers slept in dew a stranger appeared before their door demanding the daughter what she had never have image. We don't ever convery anymore.

Goodbye

Ten times today I thought of you & ten times more tomorrow concurrently we meet in dreams but I'm all alone. You are far away adoration for you is evident in my mind. There is no one else but I wish you would stay away. For I cannot stand to look at you, when you don't notice me. I thought you loved me but I know. Now that you never have. Not loved me. I dream you did, that was then. This is today well tomorrow is tomorrow. I'll wait for you in my dreams. I'll pray for you when I'm not sleep, I will hope you see me the next time but I will probably see you in my Hell. Before I see you in heaven before I see you in my world I'll linger in your heaven from me. I will promise. I will awaits you in your own personal hell. And I will be there I guarantee will be reward yet. I still do love you. Its the philosophy my love you see. I can't have you neither can "She" love you another will mean death.

If I Could

I'm sorry that I made you sad, please forgive me, didn't want to make you mad. I wish that it could be as its should 'n' I would love you only if I could.If I could, I would give you the world, If I could, I would make you my friend, but I can't, because a part of me is holding me. I cannot make it go away If I could just turn back to time I can only make the present different then the back

Beattitudes for Friends of the Deaf

Blessed are they who seem to know That lip reading is difficult and slow.

Blessed are they who shake my hand And write notes to help me understand.

Blessed are they who seem to me When I'm lost in a group of two or three.

Blessed are they who take time out To explain to me what they are talking about.

Blessed are they who are patient and kind That gives me comfort and peace of mind.

Blessed are they who have smile. That makes my life more worthwhile.

Blessed are they who make it known By faith in God's promises: I'll not walk alone.

Blessed are they who understand As I journey to that city "not made with hands."

I cannot sleep

I cannot sleep its late its early time for sleep and all I hear whispers are words not the voices of dreams but words echoing and circling like bats spiralling up in darkness who unlocked the caverns of imagination? who pushed the door ajar? the sand is seeping through and

I cannot sleep my body aches all over and will not relax words images sensations tastes swell up to drown me keep me wakeful in the early morning no moon but new tonight a mad and mournful mo poke quiet now

I cannot sleep under the stars above the water only streetlight down the hill all other lights are blissful sleep encompassed souls within are still there is no wind inner nights the air is warm and still the trees are thick with out windows braced my breath is shallow chest tight tried muscle

I cannot sleep its deep evade me its fish swim on with on regard tonight every one's peaceful I am at war with restless thoughts who drive me on charioteers to whip me lathered and foaming

I cannot sleep the empty house is demon filled tomorrow advances all adventure in its arms I curl dry nautilus embraced against exhaustion

I cannot sleep words come to tease and taunt and test and try on a new dress every second my desk is dark my dragons watch a companionable moth flutters in the dim light above I flutter at the door key forgotten to push hard

I cannot sleep and so I don't but find content in wakefulness too tired for else this night will pass and take me will its soft unbroken dance upon the shadows of a sleeping land I will lie down with the stars when the sun empties sticky light across the world and find a rhyme less rhythm I am the watch the guardian my eyes gate your dreams my hands hold your tears take each breath slowly as I breathe now in now out with you

Unturth

When the time comes I will have the truth you can't take my soul you can't take my heart either my world
its like a blood rose you can't look though without any water.
As you look into my eyes you stood there and lied into my face.
As my mind is filled with empty holes.
My darkness is like then road has no dead end its gloomy inside you have no heart if you had one you had feelings and see what I see I can't hear with my ears
I can see with open wide eyes you took my spirit
I can't ever bare to fix again.
I have tried but you kept on giving me lies that controls inner self judgements.
You have throw me into a ditch you never held me up.
I'm stuck in this darkness you have destroy with your untruth lied now
I can't ever forgive

Reach for the Light

Deep in the night the winds blow cold and in a heartbeat the fear takes hold
Deep in the storm there's a place that's soft and still
Where the road waits to be taken if you only will
The voices inside you can lead your soul astray
Believe in what you dream
Don't turn away Don't you turn away

Reach for the light
You might touch the sky
Stand on the mountaintop and see yourself flying
Reach for the light to capture a star
Come out of the darkness and find out who you are
Somewhere in time the truth shines through
And the spirit knows what it has to do
Somewhere in you there's a power with no name
It can rise to meet the moment and burn like a flame

And you can be stronger than anything you know
Hold on to what you see
Don't let it go Don't you let it go

Reach for the light
You might touch the sky
Stand on the mountaintop and see yourself flying
Reach for the light to capture a star
Come out of the darkness and find out who you are

There is no turning back when your destiny is calling
Listen to the thunder roll and let your heart break free

Reach for the light You might touch the sky
Stand on the mountaintop and see yourself flying
Reach for the light to capture a star
Come out of the darkness and find out who you are

Confusion

I don't know what to think anymore everything is so complicated never a simple yes or no one problem after another comes my way I'm confused about everything that crosses that path in my mind and with every problem the burden on my shoulders add more stress and weigh down the lump in my chest that they call a heart I just don't know what to do with myself anymore I'm just lost once again